


If I Tell Myself Enough

by pinkpolkadots



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Feelings, Fix-It, Fix-It-Fic, M/M, No Book Spoilers, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-11
Updated: 2016-06-11
Packaged: 2018-07-14 08:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7163447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinkpolkadots/pseuds/pinkpolkadots
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raphael finds himself lonely with out Simon, but is forced to fulfil his potential in the changing life of the down worlders.</p><p>*takes place after season 1, and there are no book spoilers</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Tell Myself Enough

**Author's Note:**

> This fic requires you to assume Raphael already had feelings for Simon before Simon betrayed him.
> 
> This fic is inspired by the song Over You by Ingrid Michaelson Feat. A Great Big World

"I'm fine," Raphael snapped. He hated that he could never keep his emotions in check lately.

"You're lying to me, and honestly you've never been very good at it," Lily pointed out. 

"What do you want me to say?" Raphael asked as he sat in the last room he should probably be in right now. He hated that the room reminded him of Camille and how powerless she had made him feel, but more than that he hated that it reminded him of Simon. 

"I want you to be honest with me," Lily told him. 

"I don't want to talk about it," Raphael said only wanting to bury the issue deep enough that it would never resurface. 

Lily took a deep breathe trying to remain calm. "I've been trying really hard to give you your space, but it's time to pick up the pieces. I'm not blink, I know this is about the fledgling-" 

"This has nothing to do with Simon-" Raphael hissed, but his haste and his tone had given him away. He hated that it wasn't the truth, the fledgling had brought a certain kind of happiness to his life, and now Raphael found himself resenting the harsh artificial light inside of the hotel. 

For the first time in a very long time Raphael had found himself missing daylight. 

And all of this was because some stupid fledgling wasn't here. Except that it wasn't, it couldn't be, because Raphael refused to give that much power to someone who had betrayed him. Someone who had betrayed the entire clan, and the reason the hotel was now constantly on alert in wait of Camille.

"Then go and ask the shadow hunters for help, if anyone could give us a lead as to where Camille has gone, it would be then," Lily said with narrowed eyes not believing a word Raphael said.

"You know I can't, they betrayed us. To form an alliance now would not only make us look weak and vulnerable," Raphael replied with a shake of his head.

"We are vulnerable! At least find some mental stability, everyone can tell there's something on your mind and it's putting everyone on edge," Lily snapped. Raphael was taken aback, Lily never lost control, not as long as he'd known her. 

\---

Clan meetings were a rarity, everyone knew their significance to the clan and everything was instinctive. Yes the clan was a team, a unit, but it was different from a pack of wolves. When most members were as old as they were, most didn't need the annual meetings that only discussed all of the things everyone already knew.

That being said Lily had pushed for it, and Raphael was starting to see why they needed one right now. 

"It's really quite simple," Elliott said in the beginning of the meeting. "Other vampires don't want a dispute with the clave, so we enlist their help."

"It's not that simple, she had the fledgling sign off on the bite," Lily informed him. "Now if anything, Raphael's take over of the clan can be viewed as a thirst for power, which might even lead others to join Camille and view us as a threat."

"That won't happen," Gregor said easily.

"What's the plan?" Elliott asked looking to Raphael expectantly.

"I'm not sure," Raphael admitted, then he caught Lily's stern gaze over Elliott's shoulder. "But we'll figure it out."

\---

In the next three years Raphael would forget what it was like to crave daylight. Camille wasn't as much of an issue as Raphael had expected. Within the first year of escaping Dumort she slipped up, how exactly, Raphael isn't exactly sure. In all of the years that he had worked under her he never seen her make a mistake and here she was making two in less than two years. He couldn't deny that it had looked like the shadow hunters and a certain fledgling had had something to do with it. 

Raphael had cast them out of his mind and instead chose to focus on other things. For example him and Lily had the clan functioning as a well oiled machine. Under Lily's insistence everyone now trained together at least once a week no matter their age, Raphael and Lily had made alliances with nearly a dozen clans. They had built a well respected clan, and although Raphael was the 'leader' Lily held a significant amount of power. 

The clan itself had become closer as well, glad to have a leader who took their thoughts into consideration. They had become a family, and they made it easier for Raphael to tell himself he wasn't lonely without lying.

Raphael and Lily were currently visiting Magnus Bane, the warlock had always been close to them and respectful of their wishes to not see the shadow hunters. 

Something in the back of Raphael's brain recognized the scent of shadow hunter blood, it was faint. No shadow hunters were here now, but it would be safe to assume that Magnus' boyfriend Alec spent a fair amount of time here.

"What did you need to see us about?" Raphael asked.

"It's time for us to start uniting the down world," the warlock told them. After Valentine was defeated with the help of the down worlders the Clave reluctantly started to recognize the down worlders, but they would never be able to be truly viewed as equals until they came to terms with each other. 

"We are one clan, what do you suggest we do?" Raphael asked sceptically. 

"You are a powerful clan with a strong set of allies, I suggest that you set an example," Magnus said with a dismissive wave of his hand. 

\---

Raphael wasn't particularly excited to be visiting Luke Garroway's pack, but he knew that Magnus was right. Lily wasn't coming because she was talking to other clans about the transition. He had figured that this would be the safest pack to approach since they were familiar and he was hoping they would a little bit more likely to trust him.

Raphael froze when he got in the door, there in front of him, laughing with a pack of wolves was his fledgling. Not his, Raphael corrected himself.

All of a sudden it was as if the last three years never happened, all of a sudden Simon's betrayal was in the front of Raphael's mind, and despite being closer to Simon than he had been in years, his absence had never felt so significant. 

Then suddenly the laughter he had missed so much stopped and all he wanted was to hear it for a couple more seconds. 

In another second the wolves were in defensive position, waiting for the clan leader to move.

"Raphael?" Simon asked, his voice was low and it cracked a little at the end in panic. Raphael hated that the pack pushed Simon pushed him behind them as if Raphael was a threat.

Raphael averted his eyes remembering why he had come in the first place. "Luke, I've come to speak with you about potentially forming an alliance," Raphael spoke, taking on his role as leader and pushing away the part of himself that wanted to shift his eyes 2 feet to the left to meet brown confused eyes.

"Why would the vampires need our help?" The alpha asked.

"We don't need anything, Magnus recently pointed out to us that it is time we unite the down worlders," Raphael said, keeping his voice professional.

"Why don't you come back tomorrow and we'll go over possible agreements?" The wolf asked. Raphael nodded and silently turned and left. Now as he walked down the suddenly too dark street he couldn't remember why he hadn't just sent a letter or hunted down their number. 

"Raphael wait," Simon said running up beside him. "I hope there are no hard feelings, over the Camille thing."

"Don't worry about it," Raphael shrugged off not making direct eye contact as he continued walking. 

"I'm really sorry, but you have to understand that the Fairchild's are a like a family to me, at least their the only family I can hope to have... Like this," Simon said gesturing to himself. It bothered Raphael that Simon got to explain himself, and Raphael knew that his own actions weren't in question but he felt the need to defend himself.

"We wanted to be that for you, a family. And we could have helped you figure out how to get the book of white from Camille, without you endangering us if you had trusted us enough to give us a little time," Raphael explained.

"I didn't mean to endanger you," Simon defended.

"Yes you did, you knew what you were doing. You picked your side. It was nice seeing you Simon," Raphael said trying his best to sound sincere.

\---

Down worlders were slowly joining forces, and the Clave was taking notice. Things were better for down worlders now then they had ever been in Raphael's lifetime, and Raphael refused to admit that anything felt like it was missing. 

Down worlders in significant positions were all invited to Idris to sign an official treaty that would recognize all down worlders as equals to the shadow hunters. And later each species of down worlders would elect a representative to stay in Idris. 

Raphael thought that Idris was a city built for daylight, standing in the middle of the city at 1:00am he concluded that the shadows cast by the moon would never do the architecture proper justice. 

Lily stood by his side patiently admiring Idris as much as he was. 

Then something in her tensed and Raphael went on high alert until his eyes finally settled on what she saw. 

Simon stood with the shadow hunters, his friends had aged a bit in the past four years, but Simon, being the vampire he was, had not aged a day since Raphael carried his body to those very shadow hunters all of those years ago.

Simons eyes connected with Raphael's through the crowd of different creatures. His hand lifted in a friendly wave. Raphael loved the way one corner of his smile lifted before the other. 

Simon then came over and greeted the two older vampires.

"How have you been?" Lily asked.

"Good, I've learned a lot since I last saw you," Simon admitted. Lily nodded a proud smile tugging at her lips. 

Raphael wanted to be able to be that proud but all he felt was guilty for leaving the fledgling to fend for himself.

The next thing Raphael knows Simon is hugging Lily and then himself.

He'd missed Simon, in this moment he could not deny that. 

\---

Things went well in Idris. Lily however had forgotten to mention one very important thing to Raphael, she had invited Simon to come back with them.

Raphael had only pieced together all that this entailed when all three of them walked into the Dumort. 

After that Simon started to integrate himself back into the clan, he'd still leave for extended periods of time to be with the shadow hunters or come home an odd morning smelling like wolves.

Raphael didn't mind, it was in moments like those that he could pretend like nothing had happened, like Simon was still a fledgling. 

Simon however had realized that things weren't the same. Raphael spoke to him, but he was holding himself back and Simon was determined to get to the bottom of it.

That night he cornered Raphael as he headed out for a run, something Raphael did regularly now claiming that it helped him clear his head.

"Why have you been weird?" Simon asked, getting straight to the point.

"I haven't been weird," Raphael said, even though they both knew it was a lie.

Simon didn't ask again, instead he stood there rooted in his spot in front of Raphael.

"I can't do it again," Raphael confessed, but Simon showed no signs of moving. If anything he looked more confused now than he had before.

"I can't fall for you again," Raphael admitted. And suddenly Simon was right in front of him, their noses nearly touching.

"Well that's too bad, because I never stopped," Simon admitted and a second later their lips touched and the lies Raphael spent so long telling himself came crashing down. 

For the first time in a long time he felt, what he could only imagine was comparable to being drenched in sunlight.

He loved Simon.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Hope you liked it!


End file.
